Dealing With Endless Possibilities

In life there are so many scenarios that make you scratch your head. It feels like in mine there are new situations that pop up everyday. Right now, life is filled with questions. New diagnoses, new symptoms, and new questions are around every corner. Some of them are hopeful, terrifying or even grim. Dealing with these situations makes me stronger but it doesn’t come easily. Here’s how I deal with endless possibilities….

• Hope

I don’t care what anyone says, I believe there is always hope. It may not be what you want or what you think you need but there’s a reason it’s happening. Despite two years of continuous and worsening health issues, I have an abundance of hope. It’s not hope that I will be cured, it’s hope that I’ll survive and make it through these situations unscathed. When the diagnoses on the table are life threatening, you hope that you get every day. I have today and that gives me hope.

• Research

It’s common in OCD, especially Pure O, to google. For me, it’s not an obsession but a comfort. I like to know what I’m up against. Sure, sometimes it might make me more scared or apprehensive. The reality is, once you know what you’re dealing with, you’re no longer chasing a ghost. As shitty as it is to have things cut and dry, sometimes that’s what is best. You know what you’re up against. 

• Reality Checks

It’s easy to wallow. I’ve never had the desire to wallow and yet I still can fall down that hole. It’s simple to say that something is difficult and question why you of all people are dealing with it. Things can always be worse. I don’t think it’s worth our time to play the game of who has the worse symptoms. Everyone is dealing with something and it may not be like what you’re dealing with but that doesn’t make it invalid.

• Grieving

Grief is an essential part of life. There are answers that we don’t want and that leads to grief. Losing a part of yourself or a part of your life that you no longer get is challenging. Chronic illness, above all else is in itself a challenge. It tests you and makes you question who you are. Letting yourself feel emotions is something I find to be difficult. Yet, without it I would implode quite quickly.

• Facing it Head on 

I don’t like to beat around the bush. I’m blunt and I want to get to the point. When doctors say, “I need you to be prepared for XYZ possibility,” It’s usually because they know something you don’t. This has happened over and over again. Normally, it’s when things look bad that they say this. The news is too terrible to say without a definite answer so they say it gently. I would rather swallow it in a painful gulp. It’s easier for me. I’m sure that some people like to ease into these situations. I’d rather be thrown into the deep end, it cuts out dipping your toe in the water.

There are certain realities in life that we have to face. They may not be pretty or what we expect but they’re what we got. There’s no going back. All we have control over is our attitude and in my book that’s the most important factor. How did we deal with this situation? It doesn’t have to be pretty but I always want to pick myself up and keep moving forward. Just because something is challenging doesn’t mean it’s not joyful. Running is a challenge and I love that. The satisfaction of finishing a run, laying on the ground and saying “I did it!” That to me is a magical feeling and I wish to savor it. That’s what chronic illness is to me. I want to come through this and say “I did that!” I am that strong. Through dark and light, “I did that!”