Making choices is not my strong suit. When faced with a decision, I usually have to consider all my options. I talk about it a lot and lay out all the pros and cons. Right now, I’m in the midst of deciding on whether to get a surgery that has the possibility to change the course of my life. I’m not ready to divulge the topic or changes it would make. Once I finalize decisions, I’ll let you in on my choices.
I find making choices somewhat difficult. The chance of making the wrong choice often feels too close to me. People in the chronic illness community have to make decisions that wouldn’t arise for the average person. For example, getting Crush was a life changing choice. It is the best decision I’ve ever made. He will be with me and working for hopefully 10-12 years.
The decision to get Crush came with a lot of controversy. I got pushback from people. From their perspective, the chance of getting miraculously better was too high. Making a decision that impacts the next ten years is not small choice. It’s not that I don’t understand that point of view but the reality of it is distorted. Depending on what illness you have and what is going on, the chance of getting better diminishes. At some point, doctors stopped telling me I was going to get better. We started focusing on how to mitigate symptoms and Crush was a part of that.
I’m so glad I put in my application for Crush when I did. During the Fall, I developed more symptoms that went far beyond my POTs. My neurologist determined I was in a more severe form of autonomic dysfunction. It’s still undetermined what that form is. The coronavirus has impacted those appointments. This article is not meant to be about Crush. Facing options of a significant magnitude creates fear. The chance of getting things wrong feels too high.
The short answer is that there’s no way to know if something was the right or wrong decision. You have to make an educated guess. There’s no way to determine how the course of life would be changed with a different choice. You can drive yourself into the ground looking for an answer.
All of this to say, trust yourself. It’s incredibly difficult but ultimately, your choices have to be yours. Listening to opinions is great, you get a better sense of where you want to be but it all comes down to you. Depending on the choice you’re making, it’s about your quality of life and what you give up. If I had chosen not to get Crush because other people told me it was a bad choice, I’d be in a very different headspace right now. I knew that was the right decision and I think you’ll know what the right decision is for you when it comes down to it.