My Experience

Going Out Without Crush

Today is a scary day for me. There are a lot of factors that make it intimidating. By far the most bothersome is leaving Crush at home. Today I have my MRI. Now, I dislike MRI’s. I’m very claustrophobic. Tight spaces and I don’t get along. That would be enough to put me on edge and  make me anxious. On top of this, I have to leave Crush at home. Unfortunately, since my mom moved, I go to all of my appointments alone. I don’t mind this, I love that I have the ability to go to appointments alone. However, I haven’t been without a companion and completely on my own since Fall 2019. That is crazy intimidating.

I’d like to think I won’t have any problems but I know that’s likely wishful thinking. I’m not trying to be pessimistic but rather realistic. I need help when I go out. Whether that be walking and holding on to someone or holding onto Crush. I really struggle to place myself in space when my heart rate is high or blood pressure is low. Pair that with the sensory overload of Mayo Clinic Rochester. Handling today is going to be a challenge. 

This comes with a lot of emotions for me. Lately, it’s been apparent that the relief I’ve felt from my symptoms were a product of lack of going out. They are not the result of truly getting better. That has been a discouraging realization. The lucky thing for me is that I have Crush. He helps compensate for all of those symptoms. I can relax when he’s around. So now take him out of the equation and you understand why I’m nervous about today.

I could bring/use my walker to get around, like I used to. If I have any issues it is a medical facility so I won’t be unsafe. I think the thing that people don’t realize is that Crush makes me seem normal. When I used to use my walker to get around people gave me sympathetic, well mostly pathetic, stares. They felt sorry for me. With Crush, people smile and are excited to see him. They may even think it’s odd that I have him because I look so normal. I would take that over pity any day. 

I don’t know how today is going to go. I have absolute certainty that whatever the result I will survive and be okay physically. Mentally though I anticipate a lot of struggle. I think this will come with grief, anxiety, and a lot of fear. That’s okay. I’m prepared to deal with all of those things. Maybe I’m borrowing trouble, maybe everything will go really well. I won’t know until I go. I hope for the best but I’m prepared for the worst. I’ll let you guys know how it goes!

I hope that you’re having a great Monday. I hope that your day is filled with joy, positivity, and laughter. I hope you find peace, love, and happiness.

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