Having a Flare

I recently had a flare of my POTS. I chose not to wear compression and didn’t drink nearly enough water. The end result was intense dizziness and a killer headache. I brought up a lot of fear for me initially. Recently, my allergies have really taken a toll on me. My skin breaks out in rashes without warning. I’m itchy and Crush alerts a few times a day now. The more I thought about how close my illness is to being out of control again, the more discouraged I felt. I sat in that for a couple hours. Now, I’m trying to reframe. I think I can border toxic positivity occasionally and that’s not my intention. This is my space to process though. I like reframing things in a positive light. It helps me stay optimistic and hopeful. The reality is never as scary as my brain makes it out to be.

Don’t get me wrong, the reality of my chronic illness can be terrifying. The amount of hospital trips, close calls, and intense medical procedures have been traumatizing. That being said, I survived. At the end of the day, that is really what I hold on to. I survived. Living and surviving are two different things. I realize the difference and I’m not comparing the two in that sense. What I’m attempting to convey is that I have a chance to live because I survived. My body has pulled through. It’s done an intense amount of work everyday to keep me going. I have a great appreciation for that.

This flare is a direct result of me counteracting my treatment plan. I could get mad at myself and feel shame or anger but that doesn’t serve me. I’m giving myself the grace to say, I am only human. Having a disability/chronic illness is a fulltime job. Add school, attempting to find a job, and a social life on top of that. I’m trying to balance a lot. This is a great reminder that my health always has to come first. It’s not easy to prioritize health. It’s definitely not fun to have to prioritize health. I have the opportunity and the privilege to serve my body in the way that it has served me. This is a team effort. It has pulled through in the intense situations. Now, it’s up to me to do damage control and sustain my health.

I know that I lose some people when I start to talk about my body in that way. As if it’s a separate entity. I really do believe our bodies are a gift though. Something we are given at birth, something our soul has the privilege to inhabit. I feel responsible for taking care of this body, because I think it’s not necessarily mine. For right now, I inhabit it and it is a part of me. In the future, I don’t know what will happen to it. What purpose does the chemical makeup of this body serve the planet? Only time will tell. It may be nothing. Since I don’t know, I’m going to treat it like it’s everything.

All of this to say, I had a flare. It was challenging and a little bit scary. It made me feel uneasy and unsafe. That being said, I acknowledge that my behavior resulted in that flare. I see that in the future, I need to be more conscious of my actions. I’m not going to be mad that I didn’t do better. I’m going to move forward and learn from this experience. I want my body to be taken care of because it has taken care of me.

I hope you’re having an amazing day. I hope that your day is filled with joy, positivity, and laughter. I hope you find peace, love, and happiness.