My Experience

Feeling Stuck

I have felt stuck lately. Stuck not knowing what’s coming next, I feel unable to move forward. It’s difficult when so much of life hangs in the balance. I could have another move in my near future or stay in Minnesota, surrounded by friends and family. That may sound like an easy option for most people. I like being off on my own though. It’s been difficult to accept the past few years that being on my own wasn’t an option. It wasn’t even a thought in my mind. I guess maybe it was a distant dream, but a dream that was far in the distance. Now, it’s not only possible but plausible. Except, I don’t know what’s coming next.

I’m excited at the prospect of the future. No matter what happens, I am optimistic that it will be the right next step forward. My journey has been different than I anticipated but it’s always worked out for me. I trust that it will continue to serve me, even if it doesn’t look like what I thought it would. This path has been laid out for me in an unpredictable fashion. Some things are foreseeable, like surgery. Other things have completely blindsided me. That includes moving home and being hospitalized multiple times.

I think there’s beauty in the unpredictability. I worked my entire young life to have control over everything. It fueled my anxiety and at its peak, I was paralyzed when I was unable to predict or control a new set of circumstances. As I grew up, that dissipated a bit. I learned that I had to control my emotions and responses, rather than the circumstances. It still lingered though. It wasn’t until everything went perpetually wrong for a period of time, that I habituated to the anxiety.

Not only could I survive it, but I could thrive with it. That’s where I’m at now. I’m doing well. Mentally, emotionally, and physically, I’m doing better than I have my entire life. Given, the physical aspect is relative to when I got sick. That being said, I’m really proud of myself. I’m not afraid to say that I feel an intense joy when I look back and acknowledge everything I’ve accomplished. It’s been a challenging and difficult time but completely worth it, when I see how much I’ve grown as a human being.

I would have a completely different life if I never got sick. I would’ve stayed in Ireland, likely prioritizing socializing over health. I wouldn’t have found Buddhism, compassion, or really found myself. At least not within the same time frame. I wasn’t on a bad path, don’t get me wrong. I would’ve done amazing things and accomplished a great deal. The reality is though, I like the life I have now. I love who I am now and I wouldn’t give that up for anything.

I feel stuck right now. I don’t know what the future looks like. It’s difficult to plan when everything is out of my control. That’s okay though. I don’t need to have everything figured out. I don’t need to be in control. Everything doesn’t have to be perfect because there will always be beauty in the in-between. I can find joy and excitement at all the prospects of the future.

I hope you’re having an amazing day. I hope your day is filled with positivity, joy, and laughter. I hope you find peace, love, and happiness.

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