A couple weeks ago, I talked about how I was going to go out without Crush. I had to get an MRI. I go to my appointments alone, I didn’t want to leave the technicians in charge of watching him while I was in the machine. The scans take at least an hour. This is already stressful for me because I’m very claustrophobic. Having to worry about Crush on top of that was not an option. So I went out alone.
When I left, I felt extremely nervous. I had anticipation anxiety through the roof. When I finally got to Mayo Clinic, I took a deep breath and gave myself a pep talk. Here we go, I thought. It’s not that I didn’t believe that I couldn’t go out without Crush. I lived abroad while at the peak of my illness without any help. I went to school on campus without Crush, while struggling daily. It’s because of those experiences that I’m apprehensive to go out without Crush. He makes my life easier. He allows me to have the freedom to not fear getting stuck. He is my safety net.
Due to the Covid restrictions, Mayo only allows five people in an elevator at a given time. This usually is fine but I had to wait ten minutes for an elevator while standing. This wasn’t a great start to the journey. By the time I walked from the parking garage elevator to the other elevator my heart was at 178 beats per minute. I hope this puts into perspective why I become so symptomatic. I was short of breath, having chest pain, and truly struggling. One of the benefits of having Crush is that he slows me down. I normally walk at an insanely fast pace. It’s something my friends used to get annoyed with often. Crush naturally makes me walk slower, which lowers my heart rate.
All this being said, I made it through the day. I got my x-rays and the MRI. As predicted, I do in fact need surgery. I think it’s easy to assume that going out without Crush is scary because he provides emotional support. The reality is he does provide some emotional support but he does so much more. Crush is my life line. I have physically gotten stuck in places because every time I stand I start to pass out. I have had to use a walker and hold on to things as I walk because I can’t place where I am in space. Crush is the answer to all of those problems.
I am very proud of myself. I accomplished something that is honestly huge. I did a Mayo Clinic trip all alone. I got an MRI without any panic. Those are not small things. The thing that has really stuck with me though is how grateful I am. I don’t have to worry about so many of these small everyday things that used to plague me. That is solely because of Crush. So yes, I did it all on my own but lucky for me, that was an anomaly.
I hope that your day is going well. I hope that your day is filled with joy, positivity, and laughter. I hope you find peace, love, and happiness.