Right now, I’m sitting in a place of discomfort. I always have a plan. I’ve always known what I wanted. Suddenly, I’m clueless. I’m in my final year of school and up until a couple of weeks ago, I was going to Canada next year. That was my destiny. I got home from Ireland and made it law that I would once again leave the country to study. I still want that. I still want to go to graduate school, but I’m not sure if it’s what I want right now.
I haven’t given up on Canada by any means. I will still apply. Fingers crossed, I get in and hop on a plane early next Fall. I guess that’s the factor that I’m struggling with. Will it be safe to get on a plane next fall? Am I putting myself under an intense amount of stress for something I don’t want? To be completely honest, I feel burnt out with classes. Doing zoom lectures is more difficult than I ever would’ve imagined. I still enjoy learning but I’m not getting what I need from school. I’m bored of it and overworked.
I’m not the only one in this boat right now. Multiple professors have said that they are going to be giving a grace week sometime soon. All students right now are struggling in some form or another. What I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to go to grad school online. I don’t want to get into a program that ends with me in an apartment alone in Canada. I’m finally getting a taste of what it’s like to have freedom and it’s bliss. I don’t want to be stripped of that again.
The difficult thing about Covid is that there’s no prediction. No one knows what’s going to happen. Everything could be fine next year, or it could be a complete shit show once again. I’m happy right now. As much as everyone else is miserable, I am happy. I have somehow found my place in Minnesota and it’s working really well for me. I don’t want to give that up. I especially don’t want to give it up for an unknown.
I guess that’s the flaw in my system. I spend so much time getting to my end goal that sometimes I stop to look around me. By the time I’ve gotten what I want, I fail to enjoy it because I’ve already moved on. This illness has taught me that every moment in life is precious. I’m sick of making guesses about what I want. I want to figure it out along the way and stay present for what I already have. I am so lucky to be surrounded by family and friends that love and care for me. I am so lucky to have excellent medical care. I am so lucky to have a place to live where I feel safe and comfortable. I am so lucky.
I don’t know what next year holds. I’m okay with that. I’m excited to see what’s next.